My 2016 Election Predictions

fourcandidates

Above image from patheos.com

Most of the 11 or so people who follow my blogs and my Facebook author page are probably aware of my bias on the upcoming elections. After really pissing off some old friends with my recent post bashing Gold Star dad Khizr Khan for his work on behalf of the terrorist state of Saudi Arabia, I’ve decided to quit pussyfooting around and make my unvarnished opinions public. After that, I plan to take up Zen meditation and only blog about things which I can spin in a positive way, unless of course, the sky turns out to be actually falling. Submitted for your approval below are my predictions and odds for the four, yes four, major candidates.

Hillary Clinton
Best case: Clinton’s reign is a continuation of the Obama administration, with the US muddling along through a stagnant economy, botched foreign interventions, and increasingly stifling political correctness. Congress manages to nip the worst of the Clinton agenda in the bud. She does manage to appoint a totally unqualified transgender lawyer as Attorney General. Social justice warriors blame whites and Republicans for “lack of progress” and incite fierce riots in the inner cities.
Worst case: Clinton is the “fall gal” for the Evil Globalist Agenda, which I believe is this: America’s individualist culture must be destroyed. Christian, conservative, and libertarian websites are shut down by “hate speech” laws ratified by a progressive-dominate Supremed Court. The Draft is renewed for men AND women, to provide cannon fodder for the US invasions of Syria and Iran. Local police are forced to carry out door-to-door confiscation of private firearms, which provokes open rebellion and the secession of ten states. Vladimir Putin, furious with the admission of Ukraine to NATO and the US carpet-bombing of the Russian-speaking rebel areas, threatens nuclear war.
Odds of winning: Despite being ahead in the jury-rigged polls publicized by the media, Clinton is despised by half of the population, so I’ll say 50%.
Personal stake: I would vote for Satan Himself before voting for Hillary.

Donald Trump
Best case: Trump becomes the American Putin (who is viewed by the Russian people not as a dictator but a national savior.) He takes down Wall Street, arrests corrupt bankers, and breaks up the big banks and health insurance monopolies. He withdraws from NATO and NAFTA and scuttles the TPP. Congress blocks the building of the  border wall, so Trump instead promotes a constitutional amendment banning government benefits for illegals and ending “birthright citizenship” for their kids. It passes, causing millions of them to self-deport. The economy briefly tanks but then begins to recover. On the downside, Trump finds legal ways to arrest his most vocal critics. The inner cities experience devastating riots as welfare benefits are cut, and most large cities are put under martial law.
Worst case: Trump’s administration is like that of Arizona’s Sheriff Arpaio, presenting a “get tough” image with little substance. Congress blocks Trump’s most radical reforms and begins impeachment proceedings within the first 90 days. Trump’s executive order repealing Obamacare leaves nothing in its place and millions are left without coverage of any kind. Several liberal coastal states threaten to secede. Trump negates the Iran nuclear deal, causing the frustrated mullahs to start an actual nuclear weapons program (as opposed to the current one, which exists only in the minds of the neocons.)
Odds of winning: Despite also being despised by half of the population, Trump’s supporters are better at getting out the vote, so I’ll say 55%.
Personal stake: I will hold my nose and vote for Trump if there appears to be any chance that Lucifer, I mean Hillary, could win my home state. By the way, that’s very doubtful.

Gary Johnson
Best case: The allegedly libertarian Johnson wins as a Congressional compromise after a deadlocked electoral college. As President, Johnson muddles along like Jimmy Carter or Gerald Ford, managing to enact modest cuts in entitlements and military spending. The economy grows, albeit very slowly. Johnson’s biggest success is to replace Obamacare with a voucher system and repeal laws that prevent health care competition, giving the public much-needed relief from astronomical health insurance premiums.
Worst case: Same as the above, except that Johnson’s weak-minded cuts to government engender fierce opposition from “entitled” public dependents as well as conservatives frustrated by a lack of progress. With his approval ratings at rock bottom, Johnson’s firing of mutinous neoconservative generals causes the first successful military coup in US history.
Odds of winning: Believe it or not, I think the above scenario has an actual chance as the Establishment desperately tries to prevent Trump from winning, especially if Clinton’s legal situation worsens. The Republican-controlled Congress is likely to see any former Republican governor, even a proponent of legalized weed like Johnson, as the least evil outcome. I’ll say 5%.
Personal stake: If Ebeneezer Scrooge, oops I mean Trump, appears to have Arizona sewed up, I will hold my nose and vote for this very un-libertarian libertarian to maximize Johnson’s popular vote totals in the event of the above scenario.

Jill Stein
Best case: Stein extricates the US from all foreign conflicts and cuts contributions to NATO, balancing them with increased funding for the UN. Her plan to replace Obamacare with a single-payer system is blocked by Congress, as are most of her socialistic economic reforms. She does manage to allocate savings from military cuts to enact Medicare coverage for otherwise un-insurable citizens, thus taking most of the pressure off the failing health care exchanges. Stein becomes wildly popular with her partisans, who blame Republicans for blocking her agenda. Middle Americans, relieved at the economy’s continued slow recovery, ignore the ubiquitous SJW-inspired protests.
Worst case: Same as above, except that much of Stein’s socialist agenda is enacted as law. Her programs for free universal medical care and college education cause the US to spend its way into hyperinflation and eventual national bankruptcy. Stein presides over a disaster comparable to Maduro’s Venezuela.
Odds of winning: Zero. The major media will work overtime to marginalize Stein, as they believe (correctly) that she will take votes from Clinton.
Personal Stake: I will vote for Stein if and only if Trump and Johnson drop out and she is the only alternative to Mephistopheles, I mean Clinton.

Disclaimer: The above article is satire and I don’t actually believe that Clinton is Beelzebub. Besides, it’s my understanding that Hell is equipped with an impenetrable Glass Ceiling.

Note: You may have noticed that the percentages do not total up to 100. There’s a simple explanation for this. President Obama has declared that all Americans must give 110% toward our nation’s economic recovery.

And now, a serious candidate for president.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Triumph for Top Dog

Here in the US, the 2016 election cycle has been plagued by cynicism, as all the candidates for the Highest Office in the Land seem to be puppets of special interests. The only (possible) exception is Donald Trump, whose obnoxious pronouncements have offended half the nation and made him insanely popular with the other half. What this country needs is a combination of the two, someone who is both a puppet AND obnoxious.

Announcing the Puppet Party nominee for President in 2016, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! He will go the existing candidates one better, in that he (a) is not just metaphorically but literally a puppet, and (b) is at least as offensive as Trump if not more so. His name even sounds a bit like Trump, which, if the Donald succeeds in getting the Republican nomination, may garner him millions of ballots through voter confusion.

A President Triumph would be a dogged, no-nonsense, take-charge kind of guy. Instead of wasting his time hob-nobbing with the high and mighty, the Puppet in Chief would give them what they deserve by urinating on them. Triumph would, of course, make an exception for female politicians, such as former Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt, who would instead receive a furious leg-humping.

Selecting a dog for president would also serve the interests of diversity as American’s first non-human President. It would also be a symbolic “bite me” to the world’s dog-despising Muslim theocracies such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. In the troubled Middle East, Triumph’s strategy would be “I poop on ISIS!”

Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy: #2 is #1 plus one!

And speaking of diversity, the Puppet Party’s nominee for Vice President is that indomitable Muppet, Miss Piggy. Unlike Joe Biden, this porcine feminist would not suffer being the “butt” of jokes about vice-presidential ineffectiveness. A few well-placed karate kicks would ensure that the White House Press Corps would grant her the respect she deserves. Piggy’s number two position would also serve to deter terrorist attacks on President Triumph, as no self-respecting Muslim would want to see a female swine with her pudgy finger on the nuclear button.

As a long-time Libertarian activist, I’m accustomed to hearing the argument that a third-party vote is wasted. However, this ticket is sure to Triumph!

Vote Puppet Party, Triumph & Piggy 2016!

Memo To Social Justice Warriors: Bite Me

Confederate_Rebel_Flag.svg

This is the Confederate Battle Flag. If I say I’m not posting this for racial reasons, would you believe me? Let me further state that as an anarchist, I don’t support any government, though it’s an indisputable fact that the people of the CSA had every right to secede from the USA, despite Lincoln’s nonsense about an Indivisible Union. It’s in the 10th Amendment to the US Constitution, look it up. (Note to Jon Stewart: the Confederates did not make war on the Union, it was the other way around!)

I like the Confederate flag because it’s a symbol of rebellion, and of all the Southern rednecks who stubbornly cling to their way of life, in defiance of Yankee political correctness. But if you want to believe that this view makes me a racist, so be it.

But I absolutely am not aiming this at blacks. If you’re African American and this flag offends you, that’s unfortunate. I feel I must make a statement, one that is aimed at my fellow whites, in particular those brainwashed fools willing to sacrifice free speech for their vision of socialist egalitarian utopia.

800px-US_38_Star_Flag.svg

By the way, here’s an even more offensive flag. This 38-star flag was flown by the US Cavalry during their relentless war of genocide on the Plains Indians. Many of the leaders of American forces were victorious Union generals such as Sherman and Sheridan, the latter who said, “The only good Indians I ever saw were dead.”

Flag_of_the_United_States.svg

Next is the flag flown by US forces in Vietnam, an intervention that cost the lives of at least 1.5 million Vietnamese. Recently released government records (again see book by Nick Turse) have shown that the My Lai Massacre was not an anomaly, but typical of US war strategy. How’s that for racist?

Flag_of_Israel_(WFB_2004)

The next racist flag belongs to the nation that keeps the 1.8 million people of Gaza in a confinement very similar to that of Polish Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto in the 1930’s. Israel is relevant because as our “ally,” its right-wing Zionist government receives billions of our tax dollars, with which it buys weapon to oppress the Palestinian Arabs. By the way, the Basic Laws of Israel are expressly racist, favoring Jews over all other Israeli citizens.

I could go on and on about the racism associated with various flags. That’s because no nation has a monopoly on evil. Unfortunately, suspicion and even hatred of people outside of our group is a part of our DNA. We can’t stamp it out, we can only suppress it, which is inherently dangerous. That’s why it’s a good thing that nuts like Dylann Roof have the right to express themselves freely – had anyone in that Charleston church been paying attention, they might not have welcomed this monster to their prayer meeting.

gay_mississippi

Finally, if I haven’t offended enough groups, here are is my rendition of the controversial state flag of Mississippi, which I have altered to commemorate the recent Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage. As I’ve said before, I have a soft spot in my heart for Southern rednecks, but if they can’t take a joke, they can bite me, too.

Note: Historical and population data from Wikipedia, flags courtesy of Wikimedia commons. These are all believed to be in the public domain. Permission to reuse my own derivative work, the Gay Mississippi flag, is hereby granted to everyone.

 

Je suis Dieudonné

I was one of many who were shocked and outraged when the French satirical paper Charlie Hedbo was attacked and twelve of its employees killed by alleged Islamic extremists. It was heartening to see thousands marching in solidarity with the slain journalists. Ironically, it was also an occasion for the French government to crack down on free expression, which they label as “hate speech.” One of their victims was the controversial African-French comic Dieudonné M’bala M’bala, who has in the past been convicted of “anti-semitism” and “making light of the Holocaust.” This time the charge is “condoning terrorism” because of a Facebook post he made sarcastically comparing himself to the gunman who, in solidarity with the Hedbo murderers, killed hostages at a kosher supermarket in Paris.

I decided to check out Dieudonné’s comedy for myself. You-tube has many of his performances, some of which have English subtitles. Sorry, but the man is funny, and despite having made a few tasteless and intentionally shocking public remarks, I don’t believe he’s an anti-semite. His audience in the video was not full of radicalized Arabs; it looked predominantly white and French.

If you don’t mind very dark humor, and if you can laugh at yourself (he’s particularly harsh on Americans) I highly recommend it. One very edgy sketch had his Jewish-looking assistant Jacky dressed in Auschwitz-style pajamas; the point was to satirize President Hollande’s mandate that French schoolchildren study the lives of the French Jewish children who perished in the Holocaust. Call me cynical, but I believe Hollande is trying to whitewash the sins of the French government, particularly its support for Israel’s oppression of the Palestinians and American atrocities in Syria and elsewhere. “We must not forget!” Dieudonné mocks. What we’re not supposed to remember is that it was the collaborators in the Vichy government who rounded up and deported French Jews before the Nazis even asked for them.

In “freedom loving” France, it’s dangerous even to support Dieudonné. An African footballer was suspended for copying the comedian’s satirical “quenelle” gesture which the French authorities have branded as a modified Nazi salute. Personally I hope to see Dieudonné team up with Jean-Marie Le Pen of the National Front (believe it or not, the two are friends) and send that politically-correct Marxist imbecile Hollande packing.

 

Domestic Terrorism May Not Be A Joke, But It Sure Is Funny

In his recent “Security Weekly” column of the “intelligence” web-site Stratfor, former State Department investigator Scott Stewart entitled his column “Domestic Terrorism Is No Joke.” In it, he wrote about Las Vegas cop-killers Jerad and Amanda Miller, describing them as drug-addled anarchistic libertarians. In his opinion, the attack was proof that “domestic terrorism remains a persistent threat” in America, albeit a “low-level” one.

I’d guess that what the writer meant not that terrorism is not funny, but rather, it is something we ought to take seriously. This is an assertion I dispute, despite the occasional murder spree by nutjobs such as the Millers. How can we take “terrorism” seriously, when all the information we get from the government and mainstream media is distorted or even fabricated? Nearly every terrorist incident seems to be a law enforcement trap for disgruntled losers (for example, the Akron bridge bombers), a sting that gets out of hand (the Oklahoma City bombing) or a full-blown false flag event such as 9/11 (see Kevin Fenton’s Disconnecting the Dots for evidence of the government’s prior knowledge.) Among the few incidents that might possibly be genuine, such as the attempted Times Square bombing, the perpetrators are unanimous when speaking of their motivation – US interference in the Islamic world, that very same interventionism that is supposed to “keep us safe.”

In short, the propaganda about terrorism is so ridiculous that it sometimes ventures out of the range of “funny queer” into funny ha-ha. It’s not that there’s anything light-hearted about killing and injuring innocent people. However, humor often serves a “stress relief” function that helps us keep our sanity in the face of tragedy. In fact, there’s a lot of comic mileage to be made here. We all know the TV networks are desperately seeking edgy and relevant shows to reclaim market share from the cable and Internet companies. I humbly submit the following suggestions for shows that might capitalize on this:

Hussein’s Heroes – Lovable rascal Mohammad Hussein constantly outwits his bumbling captors at Guantanamo, sneaking into Cuba to lead Quran study groups. Hilarity ensues as the handsome Hussein struggles to resist the advances of promiscuous atheistic Cuban women.

The Real McVeys – Endearing family of racist anti-semites from deep in the Appalachians relocate to the Colorado River valley, where they encounter meddling bureaucrats, lily-livered environmentalists, and shiftless welfare-dependent Mexicans.

The Big Bomb Theory – a group of four nerdy white supremacists (including one suspiciously dark self-described “Aryan”) teach classes in bomb-making and Holocaust Denial on a right-wing commune in Oklahoma. Their romantic interest is a pretty blonde who claims to be a “former” FBI agent – or is she?

Two and a Half Mujaheddin – Wealthy Jamal takes in brother Ahmed and nephew Jabbar after Ahmed’s wife is stoned for adultery. In the pilot episode, Jamal teaches Jabbar the proper role of women by allowing him to beat their housekeeper for “talking back” to her male masters.

Salaams – At a Chechen tea house in Boston, a group of lovable losers tell stories of their exploits and exchange pressure cooker recipes.

The Davidians – folksy show about a simple group of religious people living together in a huge house in Waco, Texas. The communal marriage arrangements provide constant comedic fodder, as well as encounters with the incompetent ATF agents who are always nosing about. In a running gag, everyone in the “family” tries to say “good night” to everyone else every night. “Good night, Mary Sue. Good night, Father David.”

911-Jump Street – a squad of Italian and Latino FBI agents pose as Arab Muslims to infiltrate terrorist madrasas throughout North America. There’s lots of “fish out of water” humor as the protagonists struggle to remember the correct direction for prayers to Mecca.

“F” Team – The adventures of a US Provincial Reconstruction Team at the height of the Afghan War. Well-meaning but bumbling American GI’s trade barbs with corrupt, conniving locals.

Remember, I offer these suggestions not to make light of anyone’s tragedy but to hopefully give readers a chuckle or two of relief in this insane world. Networks, feel free to use any and all of these suggestions; all I ask is a 1% royalty.

 

Proud to Be an Amurrican

In honor of Independence Day, and inspired by Lee Greenwood’s famous song, I’ve written a new patriotic ballad with lyrics appropriate for 2013.

If tomorrow I lost my car and cash in a random traffic stop

And I found myself in prison ’cause I talked back to the cop

Well I wouldn’t dare get angry; I’d have no cause for alarm

Cause the flag means domination, and it’s keeping us from harm

 

Well, I’m proud to be a corporate slave. I’m so happy on my knees

And I’d like to thank the ones who died to make profits for GE

Yes I’d lay my life down so Israel can annex more land today

Cause we’re fighting for democracy and the oil we need to play.

 

From the data mines in Utah to the groping TSA

To the heroes fighting Hadjis in some godforsaken waste

To the clerks who read my emails, so I know that I’ll be safe

Let’s go kill those brown-skinned foreigners

Who all hate us ’cause we’re great!

 

Oh I’m proud to drink the Kool-Aid, and believe what Rush tells me.

I’m so glad Chuck Schumer drops the boom on all who dare to leave

And I’ll meekly shelter inside my home when the mayor tells me to stay

‘Cause they know me better than my mom: God bless the NSA!

 

Copyright 2013 by Vaughn Treude

Permission to republish is hereby granted provided that proper attribution is given.