In his recent “Security Weekly” column of the “intelligence” web-site Stratfor, former State Department investigator Scott Stewart entitled his column “Domestic Terrorism Is No Joke.” In it, he wrote about Las Vegas cop-killers Jerad and Amanda Miller, describing them as drug-addled anarchistic libertarians. In his opinion, the attack was proof that “domestic terrorism remains a persistent threat” in America, albeit a “low-level” one.
I’d guess that what the writer meant not that terrorism is not funny, but rather, it is something we ought to take seriously. This is an assertion I dispute, despite the occasional murder spree by nutjobs such as the Millers. How can we take “terrorism” seriously, when all the information we get from the government and mainstream media is distorted or even fabricated? Nearly every terrorist incident seems to be a law enforcement trap for disgruntled losers (for example, the Akron bridge bombers), a sting that gets out of hand (the Oklahoma City bombing) or a full-blown false flag event such as 9/11 (see Kevin Fenton’s Disconnecting the Dots for evidence of the government’s prior knowledge.) Among the few incidents that might possibly be genuine, such as the attempted Times Square bombing, the perpetrators are unanimous when speaking of their motivation – US interference in the Islamic world, that very same interventionism that is supposed to “keep us safe.”
In short, the propaganda about terrorism is so ridiculous that it sometimes ventures out of the range of “funny queer” into funny ha-ha. It’s not that there’s anything light-hearted about killing and injuring innocent people. However, humor often serves a “stress relief” function that helps us keep our sanity in the face of tragedy. In fact, there’s a lot of comic mileage to be made here. We all know the TV networks are desperately seeking edgy and relevant shows to reclaim market share from the cable and Internet companies. I humbly submit the following suggestions for shows that might capitalize on this:
Hussein’s Heroes – Lovable rascal Mohammad Hussein constantly outwits his bumbling captors at Guantanamo, sneaking into Cuba to lead Quran study groups. Hilarity ensues as the handsome Hussein struggles to resist the advances of promiscuous atheistic Cuban women.
The Real McVeys – Endearing family of racist anti-semites from deep in the Appalachians relocate to the Colorado River valley, where they encounter meddling bureaucrats, lily-livered environmentalists, and shiftless welfare-dependent Mexicans.
The Big Bomb Theory – a group of four nerdy white supremacists (including one suspiciously dark self-described “Aryan”) teach classes in bomb-making and Holocaust Denial on a right-wing commune in Oklahoma. Their romantic interest is a pretty blonde who claims to be a “former” FBI agent – or is she?
Two and a Half Mujaheddin – Wealthy Jamal takes in brother Ahmed and nephew Jabbar after Ahmed’s wife is stoned for adultery. In the pilot episode, Jamal teaches Jabbar the proper role of women by allowing him to beat their housekeeper for “talking back” to her male masters.
Salaams – At a Chechen tea house in Boston, a group of lovable losers tell stories of their exploits and exchange pressure cooker recipes.
The Davidians – folksy show about a simple group of religious people living together in a huge house in Waco, Texas. The communal marriage arrangements provide constant comedic fodder, as well as encounters with the incompetent ATF agents who are always nosing about. In a running gag, everyone in the “family” tries to say “good night” to everyone else every night. “Good night, Mary Sue. Good night, Father David.”
911-Jump Street – a squad of Italian and Latino FBI agents pose as Arab Muslims to infiltrate terrorist madrasas throughout North America. There’s lots of “fish out of water” humor as the protagonists struggle to remember the correct direction for prayers to Mecca.
“F” Team – The adventures of a US Provincial Reconstruction Team at the height of the Afghan War. Well-meaning but bumbling American GI’s trade barbs with corrupt, conniving locals.
Remember, I offer these suggestions not to make light of anyone’s tragedy but to hopefully give readers a chuckle or two of relief in this insane world. Networks, feel free to use any and all of these suggestions; all I ask is a 1% royalty.